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  <channel>
    <title>Phorum 5</title>
    <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/index.php</link>
    <description><![CDATA[]]></description>
    <language>EN</language>
    <pubDate>Mon, 15 Dec 2008 20:31:22 -0800</pubDate>
    <lastBuildDate>Mon, 15 Dec 2008 20:31:22 -0800</lastBuildDate>
    <category>Phorum 5</category>
    <generator>Phorum 5.1.22</generator>
    <ttl>600</ttl>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Re: Bubba and the negligee</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,523,536#msg-536</link>
      <author>margaretscaldwell</author>
      <description><![CDATA[hahahahah]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,523,536#msg-536</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 15 Dec 2008 20:31:22 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Re: Bubba and the negligee</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,523,535#msg-535</link>
      <author>margaretscaldwell</author>
      <description><![CDATA[love this]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,523,535#msg-535</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 15 Dec 2008 20:29:13 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] GIVING THANKS......þ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,534,534#msg-534</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to give thanks
for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have thanks. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.' 

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain.   We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'All the men sighed with relief. 

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. 

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.']]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,534,534#msg-534</guid>
      <pubDate>Tue, 09 Dec 2008 09:13:48 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,533,533#msg-533</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.  




Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.  


When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.  




Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.  




Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. 


When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. 


In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. 




He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.  





Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.  




The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely


day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'  





And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,533,533#msg-533</guid>
      <pubDate>Tue, 09 Dec 2008 09:11:49 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] $ 2.00 Billþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,532,532#msg-532</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[THE $2.00 BILL I TRIED TO SPEND:
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; Everyone should start carrying $2 bills!
&gt; 
&gt; I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving
&gt; 
&gt; our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger
&gt; 
&gt; generation doesn't even know they exist.
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; STORY:
&gt; 
&gt; On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to
eat 
&gt; In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill.
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have
to 
&gt; worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50
bill.
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'
&gt; 
&gt; Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him
the 
&gt; $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
&gt; 
&gt; Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The 
&gt; following conversation occurs between the two of them:
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager : 'No. A what?'
&gt; 
&gt; Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
&gt; 
&gt; Server: 'Yeah, thought so.' He comes back to me and says, 'We don't
take 
&gt; these. Do you have anything else?'
&gt; 
&gt; Me : 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?'
&gt; 
&gt; Server: 'I don't know.'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
&gt; 
&gt; Server: 'Yeah.'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
&gt; 
&gt; Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a
shoplifter, 
&gt; and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'
&gt; 
&gt; Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get 
&gt; change
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
&gt; 
&gt; Server: 'What should I do?'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
&gt; 
&gt; Server : 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'Just tell him.'
&gt; 
&gt; Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big
bills  this time of night.'
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'Why not?'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'I think you know why.'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager : 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'Excuse me?'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'What on earth for?'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'Please, sir.'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'No.'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the
phone 
&gt; around the corner.
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin
laughing 
&gt; out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy
comes in.
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause)
funny 
&gt; money.'
&gt; 
&gt; Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
&gt; 
&gt; Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing
he 
&gt; has is a fifty.'
&gt; 
&gt; Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
&gt; 
&gt; Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager : 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of
here?'
&gt; 
&gt; Guard: 'Yeah.'
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; Security Guard walks over to me and......
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to
use.'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'Uh, no.'
&gt; 
&gt; Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
&gt; 
&gt; Me: 'Why?'
&gt; 
&gt; Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; At this point I am ready to say, ' Sure, please!' but I want to eat,
so I 
&gt; say , 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two
dollar 
&gt; bill.
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a
swing at 
&gt; him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he

&gt; says, 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'It's fake.'
&gt; 
&gt; Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
&gt; 
&gt; Guard: 'Yeah? '
&gt; 
&gt; Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it
dawns 
&gt; on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot .
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small
drink and 
&gt; some of those cinnamon thingies, too. Made me want to get a whole
stack of 
&gt; two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If
I got 
&gt; the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get
free 
&gt; food there, too.
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; Just think...those two will be voting soon
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; ....YIKES!!!
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; 
&gt; Too late, we already have a nation full of them.]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,532,532#msg-532</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 08 Dec 2008 11:15:10 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Two bagsþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,531,531#msg-531</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[Two Large BagsA little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plasticgarbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while,a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, 'Ma'am, there are $20bills falling out of your bag.''Oh, really? Darn it!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better goback, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.' 'Well, now, not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all thatmoney?  You didn't steal it, did you?' 'Oh, no, no', said the old lady. 'You see, my back yard is rightnext to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and peethrough a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used toreally tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why notmake the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence bythe knot hole, real quiet, with my gardenpruners. Everytime some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprisehim, and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' ' 'Well, that seems only fair, ' said the cop, laughing. 'OK. Goodluck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'not everybodypays.']]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,531,531#msg-531</guid>
      <pubDate>Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:22:17 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Very touchingþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,530,530#msg-530</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[This letter was sent to the Principal's office after their school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. Al l of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,530,530#msg-530</guid>
      <pubDate>Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:21:08 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Isn't It the Truthþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,529,529#msg-529</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[Here's a little poem for you
 
Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder. 

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past' 

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches. 

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away. 

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill. 

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car. 

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news. 

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,529,529#msg-529</guid>
      <pubDate>Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:19:25 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Bill and Sam</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,528,528#msg-528</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every  day to   

feed the  pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world  problems.  



  


One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't  think much about it and  figured  maybe he had a cold or  something. But after Bill hadn't shown up  for a week or  so,  Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever  got together  was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he  was unable to find  out what had happened to him.   



  



  


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had  seen the last of Bill,  but one  day, Sam approached the park  and -- lo and behold! --there sat  Bill!  Sam was very excited  and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,  'For crying  out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'  



  


Bill  replied, 'I have been in jail.'  



  


'Jail?' cried  Sam. 'What in the world for?'   



  


'Well,' Bill  said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde  

waitress at the   coffee shop where I sometime go?'  



  


'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I  remember her. What about her?' 



  


'Well, one day she filed  rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I  was so  proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'  



  


'The damn judge gave  me 30 days for  perjury.']]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,528,528#msg-528</guid>
      <pubDate>Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:16:01 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Church...þ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,527,527#msg-527</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[An elderly couple are at church......... 
&gt; 
&gt; About halfway through the church service, 
&gt; 
&gt; she writes a note and hands it to her husband. 
&gt; 
&gt; It says: &quot;I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?&quot; 
&gt; 
&gt; He scribbles back, &quot;Put a new battery in your hearing aid!!!!&quot; 
&gt;]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,527,527#msg-527</guid>
      <pubDate>Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:14:20 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Chalk up one for the blondeþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,526,526#msg-526</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[A&gt;&gt; blonde city girl marries a&gt;&gt; Colorado&gt;&gt; rancher.

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; One&gt;&gt; morning, on his way out to&gt;&gt; check on the cows, the&gt;&gt; rancher says to Amy,&gt;&gt; 'The&gt;&gt; insemination man is coming over&gt;&gt; to impregnate one of&gt;&gt; our cows today.&gt;&gt; 

I&gt;&gt; drove a nail into the 2 by 4&gt;&gt; just above the cow's&gt;&gt; stall in the barn. You show him&gt;&gt; where the cow is&gt;&gt; when he gets here, okay?&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; The&gt;&gt; rancher leaves for the fields.&gt;&gt; After a while, the&gt;&gt; artificial insemination man&gt;&gt; arrives an d knocks on&gt;&gt; the front door. Amy takes him&gt;&gt; down to the&gt;&gt; barn.&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; They&gt;&gt; walk along the row of cows and&gt;&gt; when she sees the&gt;&gt; nail, she tells him, 'This&gt;&gt; is the one right here.'&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; The&gt;&gt; man, assuming he is dealing&gt;&gt; with an airhead blonde,&gt;&gt; asks, 'Tell me lady,&gt;&gt; 'cause&gt;&gt; I'm dying to know; how&gt;&gt; would YOU know this is the&gt;&gt; cow to be bred?'&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 'That's&gt;&gt; simple. By the nail over its&gt;&gt; stall,' Amy explains&gt;&gt; very confidently.&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Laughing&gt;&gt; rudely at her, the man says,&gt;&gt; 'And what, pray tell,&gt;&gt; is the nail for?'&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; The&gt;&gt; blonde turns to walk away and&gt;&gt; says sweetly over her&gt;&gt; shoulder, 'I guess it's&gt;&gt; to hang your pants&gt;&gt; on.'&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; ('Chalk&gt;&gt; up one for the Blonde!' . .&gt;&gt; It's nice to see a&gt;&gt; blonde winning one once in&gt;&gt; awhile.)]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,526,526#msg-526</guid>
      <pubDate>Wed, 26 Nov 2008 09:13:37 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Life Beyond 50þ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,525,525#msg-525</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age.The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy,there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,  he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, &quot;getting a little action&quot; means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. 

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know until the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist' s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: 
the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: 
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,525,525#msg-525</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 17 Nov 2008 08:11:06 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] HOW TO CALL THE POLICE FOR OLD PEOPLEþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,524,524#msg-524</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

          George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
  wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
  could see from the bedroom window.

          George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw t hat
  there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who
  asked 'Is someone in your house,' and he said 'no.' Then they said that all
  patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer
  would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30,
  and phoned the police again.  'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago
  because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have
  to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up.

          Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two
  fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
  residence and caught the burglars  red-handed.

        One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd
  shot them!'  George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

        (True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,524,524#msg-524</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 17 Nov 2008 08:10:08 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Bubba and the negligee</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,523,523#msg-523</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[Bubba walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and 
model it for him. 

 

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself!' 

 

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. Bubba declares, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!' 

 

He never heard the shot. 
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. 
Closed coffin]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,523,523#msg-523</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 17 Nov 2008 08:09:26 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Ole &amp; Sven &amp; the lighter side of fishingþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,522,522#msg-522</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[OLE &amp; SVEN &amp; THE LIGHTER SIDE OF FISHING&gt; Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a &gt; cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. 'Ya, shure. &gt; I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied. Then, reaching into his tackle box, &gt; he pulled out a 10-inch long Bic lighter. 'Yiminy Cricket,' exclaimed &gt; Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat &gt; monster?' 'Vell,' replied Ole. 'I got it from my Genie.' 'You &gt; haff a Genie?' Sven asked. 'Ya, shure. He's right here in my tackle &gt; box,' says Ole. 'Could I see him?' Ole opens his lure-filled &gt; tackle box &amp; sure enough, out pops a bearded Genie. Addressing the genie, &gt; Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me &gt; vun vish?' 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So, Sven asks the Genie &gt; for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving &gt; Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.&gt; Shortly, the sky darkens, and it is filled with the sound of a million, &gt; quacking ducks. Soon, they are flying directly overhead. Over the roar &gt; of a million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yiminy, I asked for a &gt; million bucks, not a million ducks!' Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell &gt; yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a &gt; 10-inch Bic?']]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,522,522#msg-522</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 17 Nov 2008 08:08:27 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Great Medical Breakthrough</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,521,521#msg-521</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[A married couple went to the







hospital to have their baby







delivered. Upon their arrival, the







doctor said that the hospital was







testing an amazing new high-tech







machine that would transfer a







portion of the mother's labor
pain to







the baby's father. He asked if
they







were interested, Both said they
were







very much in favor of it.













 

 







The doctor set the pain transfer
to 10







 percent for starters,
explaining that







even 10 percent was probably more







pain than the father had ever
experienced







before. But as the labor
progressed, the







husband felt fine and asked the
doctor                                                                          







to go ahead and kick it up a
notch.                                                                









 









The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20 percent pain







transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor then







checked the husband's blood
pressure and was







amazed at how well he was doing.

 

 At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.







 The husband continued to
feel quite well. Since the pain







transfer was obviously helping the
wife considerably, the husband







encouraged the doctor to transfer
ALL the pain to him.







The wife delivered a healthy baby
with virtually no pain,







and the husband had experienced
none. She and her husband







were ecstatic.

 

 When they got home they found the UPS man







dead on the porch.]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,521,521#msg-521</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 17 Nov 2008 08:07:34 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Nine words women useþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,520,520#msg-520</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[NINE WORDS WOMEN USE 

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right 
                and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five 

minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more  minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement 
                Often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women 
                can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say 
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.  DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever'.
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,  but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,520,520#msg-520</guid>
      <pubDate>Fri, 14 Nov 2008 08:53:42 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] The New Alphabetþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,519,519#msg-519</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[I know that everyone I am sending this too is not OLD, 
but I know they  know  someone that is OLD....

 
New Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
 
Now The Alphabet
 
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
Perhaps car-d-iac?
 
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
 
H .. High blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I .. For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
 
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
 
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
 
S is  for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
 
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.


I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, 
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,519,519#msg-519</guid>
      <pubDate>Fri, 14 Nov 2008 08:51:18 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Clean Wash</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,518,518#msg-518</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the youngwoman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. &quot;That laundry is not very clean,&quot; she said. &quot;She doesn't knowhow to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.&quot;Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the youngwoman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a niceclean wash on the line and said to her husband: &quot;Look, she haslearned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?&quot; The husband said, &quot;I got up early this morning and cleaned ourwindows.&quot; And so it is with life. What we see when watching othersdepends on the purity of the window through which we look.  ~Author Unknown~]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,518,518#msg-518</guid>
      <pubDate>Fri, 14 Nov 2008 08:46:39 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] SENIOR DATING</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,517,517#msg-517</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking. 

   Dorothy: 'That nice Wild Bill asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.' 
 
Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!  Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car..   A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.  
Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner.. Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died fro m pleasure!  
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.  Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!' 

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?' 

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.']]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,517,517#msg-517</guid>
      <pubDate>Fri, 14 Nov 2008 08:44:12 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] OLDER THAN DIRT</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,516,516#msg-516</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA['Hey Dad,' one of my kids asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?' 

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.' 

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'



'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. 'Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.' 



By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it: 



Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. 



My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger. 



I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had. 



We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a 'machine.' 



I never had a telephone in my room The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. 



Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.



All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 

4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day. 



Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them. 



If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. 



Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it? 


MEMORIES from a friend:



My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old. 

How many do you remember? 

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor. 
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall. 
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. 
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals. 

Older Than Dirt Quiz: 

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about . Ratings at the bottom. 

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 
3. Candy cigarettes
4 Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes 
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933) 
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records 
15. S&amp; H greenstamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever 
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt! 

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!! 
Especially to all your reallyOLD friends...]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,516,516#msg-516</guid>
      <pubDate>Fri, 14 Nov 2008 08:41:35 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Instructionsþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,515,515#msg-515</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[Instructions: In case you needed further proof that the human race is
doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods.

On a Sears hair dryer:...Do not use while sleeping.
(darn, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:...You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's 'just' a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):'Do not turn upside
down.' &gt; &gt;&gt; (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &amp; Spencer Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could &gt; &gt;&gt; just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this.  I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company.  I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,515,515#msg-515</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:54:08 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] A tale of two &quot;Nuns&quot;</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,514,514#msg-514</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[There were two nuns... 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was
&gt; &gt; known as Sister Logical (SL). 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
&gt; &gt; thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
&gt; &gt; What can we do? 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SM: It's not working. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
&gt; &gt; started to walk faster, too. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
&gt; &gt; go this way. He cannot follow us both. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
&gt; &gt; happened to Sister Logical. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; Then Sister Logical arrives. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so
&gt; &gt; he followed me 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
&gt; &gt; and he started to run as fast as he could. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SM: And? 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SM: Oh, no! What happened then? 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
&gt; &gt; than a man with his pants down. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Mary's!
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt;]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,514,514#msg-514</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:53:06 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Count to 99þ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,513,513#msg-513</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologistas&gt;&gt;a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very&gt;&gt;pretty female doctor.&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, butthis&gt;&gt;new procedure is a little different from what you are probably usedto. I&gt;&gt;want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while Icheck&gt;&gt;your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;The guy obeys and says, 99!&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your&gt;&gt;left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath andsay,&gt;&gt;99.'&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Again, the guy says, '99.'&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your backwith&gt;&gt;your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this&gt;&gt;hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis tokeep &gt;&gt;it out of the way.&gt;&gt;Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'.]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,513,513#msg-513</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:51:53 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] SIPPING VODKA</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,512,512#msg-512</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
 
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' 
 
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
 
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
 
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
 
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 
 
 
1)   Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
 
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
 
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
 
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
 
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
 
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
 
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
 
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
 
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'. 

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..
 
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 
 
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,512,512#msg-512</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:50:55 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulbþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,511,511#msg-511</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 
 

 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 
 

 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 
 

 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 
 

 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 
 

 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 
 

 7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 
 

 8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. 
 

 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb! 
 

 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 
 

 11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.' 
 

 12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? 
 

 13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... 
 

 14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. 
Keep going down
 



How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? 
 

 

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: 
 

 'How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?' 
 
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,511,511#msg-511</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:45:41 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Big Troubleþ</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,510,510#msg-510</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.  If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. 


The boys' mother heard that a new preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.  The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.  So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. 


The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, &quot;Do you know where God is, son?&quot; 


The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. 


So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, &quot;Where is God?!&quot; 


Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.  The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, &quot;Where is God?!&quot; 


The boy screamed &amp; bolted from the room, ran directly home &amp; dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. 


When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, &quot;What happened?&quot; 


The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, &quot;We are in BIG trouble this time.&quot; 


&quot;GOD is missing, and they think we did it!&quot;]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,510,510#msg-510</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:44:14 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Senior Breakfast</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,509,509#msg-509</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' 
Was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. 

  

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 

  

'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents 
Because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 

  

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 

  

'YES!!' stated the waitress. 

  

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said. 

  

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 

  

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. 

  

She took the two eggs home. 

  

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!  We've been around the block more than once!]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,509,509#msg-509</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:42:29 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] The Insensitive Ventriloquist......!!??</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,508,508#msg-508</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and he's going through his usual run of off-colour and 
'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and shouts: 'I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk! What 
makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair 
colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?'

'It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our 
communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren 
continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the 
sake of cheap laughs.'

'You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination 
laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect 
for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot.'

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: 'You stay out of this mister! I'm talking 
to that little bastard on your knee.']]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,508,508#msg-508</guid>
      <pubDate>Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:40:56 -0800</pubDate>
    </item>
    <item>
      <title>[Jokes] Potato</title>
      <link>http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,507,507#msg-507</link>
      <author>JaZiBaBe</author>
      <description><![CDATA[Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out

And getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland ,

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

*
*

OK! Here it is!

*
*
*
*


A COMMONTATER]]></description>
      <category>Jokes</category>
      <guid isPermaLink="true">http://www.coolchat.net/phorum/read.php?2,507,507#msg-507</guid>
      <pubDate>Thu, 30 Oct 2008 18:52:36 -0700</pubDate>
    </item>
  </channel>
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